Over and Over Again

Half way through the year, which means looking back at the new media I've been consuming. I do put anything that might be old in the new category. Media that I haven't encountered or interacted with before. However, Citizen Sleeper 2 is not the latter. Citizen Sleeper 2 came out towards the beginning of the year and since breezing through it in just a few days, I have not been able to stop thinking about it since. It's not at the forefront of my mind, it just sorta floats through space reminding me that it's still on my mind. And if it's still on my mind, than it definitely resonated with some things in me, and that is what has been chewing at me for the week. Why has Citizen Sleeper 2 occupied my mind palace (what is my mind palace... I'll worry about that later.) Citizen Sleeper 2 is like refilling my cup with a delicious beverage that I can't get enough of. I didn't need the second filling but I'm so satisfied it was offered. And I'm not just talkin a sequel to Citizen Sleeper an already stellar game. I had to make a space pun.

Citizen Sleeper 2 places you in the roll of an android on the run in a constant state of decay without your daily dose of drugs holding you together. Stack that on top of a maniac who is not only trying to capture you and own you again, but, literally own you. Every single part. And I think this is were the resonation is happening for me. I'm in a state of transformation right now. Serious transformation, of who I am. Questioning and solidifying fundamental things about myself. Not that those solidified things can't be melted down and remolded again. There's just this screaming part of me like "what the fuck have you been doing dude?" and it sounds more dramatic than it is, but I need it to be dramatic. A big red sign flashing on and off saying NOW. And the moment is now. It's always been now. All one can do is step into the world everyday doing the best with what we've been given. The dice roll random, which means that interaction later in the day where you really need a six turns out to be a two because you already spent the six. If that got a bit confusing, I got you. Citizen Sleeper 2 works off the same six sided dice system as its predecessor with some updates. You only have so many dice to work with in a day, and you want higher die for successful interactions. Sometimes your dice can glitch meaning they are utterly useless. You might succeed on the skill check you're using the glitch die for but its usually a guaranteed fail. Eighty-twenty aint good odds. I love this system. It captures so much of what makes the day to day hard. The day may be planned out before you, but you just don't know which way it's going to go. And you have to be ready to spend energy where you need to and call it when you're spent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah but what does that have to do with finding self? Throughout Citizen Sleeper 2 you encounter all sorts of lives. Lives going through their own motions on the stations you pass through just trying to get through another cycle with the roles that landed for the day. It's through meeting all these wonderful characters that your own character can really take shape. They're not a reflection of you, but of the possibility of you. I'm asking what are my possibilities? What can I make for myself that is truly me? And I think I'm figuring it out. Between starting a bunch of new projects, some collaborations and swinging big for work I never saw myself doing, I am feeling more settled in my skin than ever before. I've always admired people who just seem to walk through the world with confidence as if it was easy as breathing. It's taken me a long time to figure out what that confidence looks like for myself. When I turn it over in my head every definition I have of what a certain word like cool means or the modern vibe I'm left wondering but what does that look like on me? This is not a plea of uniqueness. Its a declaration of loving the hell out of myself. Which in turn, makes my days easier.

The other big piece of media I'm thinking about, having wrapped it this morning, is A Canticle For Leibowitz. What the freak did I just read? A Canticle for Leibowitz is a tale of man. Of what came before. What will come after. And what will come after that. Or, as I will be explaining it now. How men really just are that dumb. This book was so inspiring that it made me briefly think about getting Fiat Homo tattooed on my knuckles. Do you know how perfectly dumb that would be? At the same time getting Fiat Homo tattooed anywhere on my body in 2025 would probably make me look like the worst type of dude. Ughhh, the desire to bit is strong.

There were spaceships again in that century, and the ships were manned by fuzzy impossibilities that walked on two legs and sprouted tufts of hair in unlikely anatomical regions. They were a garrulous kind. They belonged to a race quite capable of cutting its own throat before the altar of some tribal god, such as the deity of Daily Shaving. It was a species which often considered itself to be, basically, a race of divinely inspired toolmakers; any intelligent entity from Arcturus would instantly have perceived them to be, basically, a race of impassioned after-dinner speechmakers. - A Canticle For Leibowitz, Chapter 24

And the whole freaking book is like this. Walter M. Miller Jr. was spitting. I was not raised on religion. Which has lead me to consume anything that might give me a glimpse into a life of faith. Not a life I'm trying to take up anytime soon. Having not been surrounded by it, I will always take the opportunity to peak in through the mind of someone who was — Walter in this case — or anyone who might know the tea. And while I will save the heavier spiritual questions for another post. At the surface level of it all I can at least look into the toxic radioactive cesspool of stagnate water and ask the question what do I believe in? And an easy answer is to be found. Me. Just like Rachels freaky head (don't worry about it, go read the book) I "Live" and I want to continue living. I want my life to be spectacular and messy and truthful. I want to continually find myself.

Honestly I think wrapping A Canticle For Leibowitz knocked Citizen Sleeper 2 a bit more to the front than it already was. They are both grappling with profound questions of faith in self, faith in life and the bleakness of it all when men seem to utterly want to destroy everything around them. I'm not trying to burn it all down. Far from. Well OK, maybe some things. I am trying to constantly meet myself where I'm at. And that's the part that's important. How am I... today? Now? Whatever the dice roll is I will be ready to meet each day as me fully, that I can guarantee myself. I'll end on one of the most surprising and one of my favorite moments from A Canticle For Leibowitz. Something I didn't mention is the focal point of our story being a place not a person. A small church for, you guessed it, St. Leibowitz. In each of the three parts of the book we are introduced to the current Domine at the time. They all have their own personalities, quirkes and troubles. The last Dome is my favorite. This is very end of the book stuff so find the next few sentences down if you think you'll end up reading it — anyways, so the Dome is in a frustrating situation brought on by his own blunders and that of someone who thought they were doing right. They weren't. Anyways the Dome gets mad and punch this guy square in the face. It's a surprising scene coming from a man of the cloth in a church we have gotten to know so well. This moment is such a perfect example of being true to you. The Dome is frustrated. This other character has brought down so bad shit. And the Dome is mad about it. Punch the guy in the face! Sidenote: I am not condoning going around and punching people. Sometimes all we can do is watch as our mind acts before our ego and in that moment we can be reminded of who we are. I want to watch what my body does before my mind can react because I have a feeling that is the direction I am supposed to be going in. Otherwise I'm just overthinking it and then I'm getting punched in the face, sometimes by my own hand.

-Saturn