Body Movement and The Strange

For the last some odd weeks I have been slightly incapacitated. I got a vasectomy in the middle of May and it put me out about the time I anticipated. When a doctor tells me to do something I try to follow it to the strictest of instructions because I ain't going to mess that up. Prescription: Sit around for two weeks and don't do any strenuous bedroom activities for a week at least. Now in the middle of my third week of recovery, I am getting back to the things I'm used to while still waiting on certain activities — not those ya pervs.. It has been frustrating at times. Especially, with the weather in Portland finally breaking nice. The sun is out. People are out. And I was stuck inside for a time sitting in the same spot while wishing I could do anything but. And not having any possibly murderous neighbors to spy on I wouldn't be living my Rear Window dreams. Not to say good things didn't come of my time recovering, this newsletter for one and some other things I will get to. But, and we are about to go digging into one of my core fears here so stay with me; I am deeply afraid of loosing antonymy (Please go read Paradise 1). There are a few moments in my life where this loss of control happened, some of my own making, other times not. Each time though was terrifying and usually ended up with me crying and being thankful that I was alive or back to myself. This loss of autonomy in its current form was one of waiting. Being in a holding pattern while I waited on my body to recover. And in this holding pattern I've realized how little control I've been taking in my own life and how I am actively changing that.

Obviously, sitting around on my butt all day and not moving, lives in a different department same floor. The thought is there though, in the back of my mind. Knowing that I could be stretching (I am now), working out with full weight, using my bike to get around or just going about my day in the ways I'm used to. If this all seems a little vain it's because it is. I don't think I've every put the actual care into myself that I am now. And I'm not just talking about working out or stretching. I'm actively getting to know every inch of myself. How it feels. How parts of me move. I'm falling in love with myself. I'm living my vain years and I couldn't be happier. I, like so many, have always had certain issues with the way I look, or how parts of my body lay, etc. It's only been in the last five years that I've come to realize how much I love my body. And I still struggle daily. Of course, I am actively taking steps to alter my appearance and the way I look because I want to look hot - whatever that means. To me it means looking fucking fine as hell in my own skin everyday no matter how I'm feeling. I know that can still sound obtuse, but I think it's supposed to be a bit of an enigma. What the fuck is hot? Who cares? There's no need to point out any one feature because our bodies are ours. I'm changing what I want to and it makes me feel good. As has been a constant theme now in all three pieces, the world is bleak, so I might as well make my life spectacular... or hot. I just have to move in that direction. I am.

Now, I find myself staring down the barrel of my first professional photoshoot and I'm throwing up glitter - Night City all over again. Even better, its a photographer who is unbelievably happy to go along with my strange ideas. There are two things I am confident in as for statements made by others about me that are true. One, people state that I am weird. I am! Welcome to ADHD with a dash of autism, it's strange and the exact thing its always been described as - not normal. Whatever normal is. Second thing, I am conventionally attractive for a man. This second one took me a long time to come to terms with because of ego in ways I'm still exploring. It's an odd thing to say out loud. So here's two parts of this beautiful equation and I finally know what I want to do with it. Or maybe always have and forgot along the way? Time to start making weird, beautiful, sexy art. In the middle of writing this up I was messaging back and forth with my photographer to see if an idea is possible. Me telling myself over and over it will be. Won't spoil it here but it will require some serious special effects makeup. Taking the initiative to finally pursue things I should have been pursuing a long time ago feels revitalizing and just one more part of the process in learning my own autonomy and how I move through the world with my self.

I'm in a frenzy of movement, thinking about all the ways our bodies our minds move through the world. With this in mind. I want to take more risk than ever. I am taking more risk. The motivational get some work done part of me is easy to get going once it is going, but getting to that point has always been the hard part. In the past it was always much easier to spin my wheels and imagine, instead of seeing the actual. Movement was happening in my brain, but even then it was wheels spinning in the mud with no control of where I might end up. My mind was happy to move but my body was not. Life is chaos, it's placing my feet where I want them that matters. This fear of losing control. This fear of no autonomy. Is a made up boogie man that I created. I've had some scary moments in my life where it has completely gotten out of my grasp like I stated, and I have ended up damaged because of it. Putting intention into each step even if that step is in a direction I've never gone is still intention. It doesn't mean I won't fall or stumble or even explode on impact, but I'm choosing how I move, which means I choose how I recover. I'm not expecting to be in need of recovery from much anytime soon, but it's important to remember because no journey goes without a booboo or two (yes, I used booboo I like being cute.)

Uhhh are we going to talk about games? Of course we are going to talk about games! My favorite game to this day is Half-Life 2, and yes I throw both Episodes 1 and 2 in there because its just easier to call it a package and be done with it. I also played it this way with The Orange Box still one of gamings best original deals. What a freaking steal. Anyways — a game I have not been able to stop playing since last May is Abiotic Factor soon to hit it's 1.0 release window later this summer. Abiotic Factor is like if you were any other scientist but Gordon Freeman from Half Life as shit goes completely wrong in the Black Mesa facility of the first game. It's a smart game that has far more going on under the hood than at first glance. The other game I can't put down came out early this year, Echo Point Nova. I had the pleasure of finishing it with a friend last night and to say it wasn't one of my most recent favorite gaming experiences would be an understatement. Echo Point Nova is a movement shooter with the entire gaming kitchen sink thrown in... and somehow it works? We went to the stars. We found only small men.

Both of these games are occupying my mind, being the scaffolding for all the writing above. Abiotic Factor has been a constant push into this weird facility were science has gone completely unchecked and the results have been catastrophic. It's a real, I don't know what this next corner is going to bring but I'm excited, scared and ready. Also if you liked Control play this game. The Oldest House and the GATE Cascade Research Facility might as well be married. And if you're not a gamer think X-Files but in a lab. Although there were a lot of labs in... you know what never mind. It's helping me push forward in my own life. To experiment, do some science and see what happens. I haven't done enough experiments in my life and now I'm in the lab with the burner turned to high. Don't worry I'm wearing safety equipment.

But who needs safety equipment when you're grapple propelling yourself to the freaking cosmos and back. Echo Point Nova might be one of the stranger games I've played recently. My joke has been, I'm pretty sure the first thing written on the whiteboard was "what if you could grapple the clouds" when I say grapple think Batman's classic grappling hook. But ya know... it can hook on to clouds because why not? Echo Point Nova falls under what is called a frenetic shooter. In a single second I can find myself doing a back flip on my hoverboard through open space (the levels are made up of floating islands) lining up a sniper shot while slowing down time, getting the shot off, grappling my way to safety all while avoiding multiple directions of enemy fire. And that's just one second. I'm not a fan of all frenetic shooters but when the formula is dialed just right they pop for me. I mean it's hitting that ADHD dopamine drip feed with so much going on in strung together moments.

Echo Point Nova helped me move when I couldn't It also got me to think about movement and direction in new ways. I felt like Ender in knowning that at any point the ceiling, floor and walls could change but not because of the outside world but how I was moving through the levels space. Which, in turn got me thinking about how I choose to move through my own space. I'm doing my best to take up space. To be loud. And to be big. I've always tried to be polite when moving around others but there's a point where it becomes meek and I am no longer taking ownership of my body and how it moves through space. I currently live on the second floor of my apartment having been here a little over a year now. For my entire first year here, I bent over backwards to be a polite neighbor for the downstairs, and did my downstairs neighbors care? No! They probably never even noticed. Side note: they are the loudest downstairs neighbors I've ever had, its impressively annoying. I was so wrapped in trying to move a specific way, I wasn't moving how my body wanted me to. I'm taking control of that and seeing how it wants to move through space. I'm not going to be reclusive with my movement but I am going to be intentionally big. I'm going to see where I naturally want to go. How it wants to pose. It already knows, I just have to trust it. And maybe have my hand moved slightly for a better photo.

I could not be more excited to see where all this motion takes me. I trust and know that its going to be somewhere good. I just have keep experimenting in the unknown while moving at a lightings pace. My last therapist before I moved out of Texas always made sure to remind me of something, he would say; remember, you're lighting in a bottle. I forgot that for a time but it's something I've been thinking about lately. Be lighting in a bottle. Hell the bottle can be open. The point is its intentional controlled energy, its explosive but in spectacular ways. I am going to be explosive in spectacular ways.

-Saturn